executive coaching

The Leadership Challenge: Anger Management – 5 Tips

June 10, 2015 By Sam Palazzolo, Managing Director

The Point: What does success look like in business from a leadership perspective? In other words, if you could capture a moment, similar to a photo, what would the image consist of and what would the participants be doing? I asked several leaders this question at a recent group executive coaching session. Their responses were mostly positive, ranging from ringing the NYSE opening bell to popping champagne bottles. All participants were smiling from ear-to-ear regardless! Except one participant who had a dramatically different glimpse into success… an angry image! In this post, we take a look at Anger Management to drive leadership success and five (5) tips to assist you… Enjoy!

Because I’m Happy…

We often think of Anger Management as a process of learning how recognize signs of encroaching anger and taking the necessary steps calm oneself so as to deal effectively with the situation in a positive manner. So (1) recognition and (2) steps to calm the anger… Sounds pretty simple, right? If you’re in control of yourself and put yourself in the right situation, this shouldn’t be that hard of a task (Control Yourself + Control the Environment = Successful Leader!)

However, in business you rarely have the opportunity to have 100% control of your environment. Given a leader and their abilities and a bad environment, I’ll bet on the environment winning out each/every time. While anger management might attempt to provide the coping mechanisms during the leadership challenge, there still is no way to ensure that the environment a leader operates in will cooperate. Pharrell might have sang about happiness, but he probably wasn’t talking about leadership at work!

5 Tips to Tame Your Temper

The leader I mentioned in The Point opening could be seen in each of us. Mild mannered “Clark Kent” in some moments, Incredible Hulk (NOT Superman) in others. Typically, he was seen as the mild version, until the situation got challenging.

If you’ve been a leader for awhile, or are a first-time leader receiving leadership development training and executive coaching, you know how to handle moments of low conflict. It’s during moments of high conflict though where all of the mild mannered moments are thrown out the window!

Here then are five (5) tips to take your temper, and make the leadership challenge of anger management a little easier to manager:

Anger Management Tip #1: Know Yourself

Shakespeare wrote “To thine own self be true.” Knowing yourself as well as what might “trigger” you into moments of rage is a great first step to either identify an avoidance plan or preparation routine. Hogan Assessments has created a fantastic individual behavioral assessment that shares with you your strengths/weaknesses during such moments of anger.

Anger Management Tip #2: Think then Speak

Leaders that have limited filters already play shorthanded. Leaders that similarly have little/no filter between their thoughts and speaking often find themselves in similar straights. Give yourself a moment by taking a deep breath before responding. Practice in your executive coaching sessions!

Anger Management Tip #3: Exercise

Nothing reduces stress like a good workout. Take a walk in the woods, or a walk on the treadmill. The health benefits can help propel you into positive territory in more ways than one.

Anger Management Tip #4: ID Solutions

As a leader, you’re hopefully solutions focused. Know that the majority of anger moments stem from problems. Problems that you may have caused, known little about, etc. Regardless, focusing on solutions rather than problems is a best practice. Leadership development sessions should equip you with several solution generating practices.

Anger Management Tip #5: Express Anger Later

After the anger “storm” has passed, gather the troops and share anger moments with them. This act of transparency will provide those that work with you a glimpse inside how you operate, and will also set the tone for future moments.

SUMMARY

In summary, I’ve seen a lot of leaders that perceive that they simply operate better when they are angry. That’s nonsense… The only person that probably believes/likes their angry moments is themselves. The five (5) tips for anger management should be reviewed/implemented to overcome anger and move to positive moments, like champagne bottle popping!

Sam Palazzolo

Maximum Impact Leadership: Step 3 of 7

June 9, 2015 By Sam Palazzolo, Managing Director

The Point: I’ve seen a lot of leaders come, and I’m certain I’ll see a lot go in the future. But what is it about the “best” leaders that we can share with you? The “Best” Leaders one way or the other always have maximum impact on their organizations, their industries, and the world! The following seven (7) part series was developed from coaching conversations at Tip of the Spear and plays an integral part in our Business Advisory Services (Leadership Development, Executive Coaching, and Communication Skills Training for Leaders Series). In Step 1 of 7 for Maximum Impact Leadership we looked at your ability to ask questions. In Step 2 of 7, we looked at your ability to secure feedback from those questions by listening. Here in Step 3 of 7, we’ll take a look at your ability to think of what is being said. I hope that you’re able to implement these seven (7) “best” practices for maximum impact leadership… Enjoy!

Refresh of Maximum Impact Leadership Step 1 Ask & Step 2 Listen

Recall that in Step 1 of 7 of developing your maximum impact leadership, you are asking stakeholders to provide you with feedback on how you can be the “best” leader possible. You’ve asked several key questions that drive towards that destination. In Step 2 of 7, you needed to do the easy part of listening (or difficult part, depending on if you read the post!)

You’ll Want to Lead

What’s the first thing that you’ll want to do upon receiving some feedback? If you’re like the leaders I work with, you’ll want to start talking immediately. Cutting stakeholders off before they’ve finished providing you with feedback will cut you off from receiving further feedback from them. It will also show your defensive nature and glimpses of your ego shining through. These are BAD moments, often disguised as leading!

Instead of raising your defensive posture, take a deep breath and continue to breath while being fully present in the conversation. This will provide you with the opportunity to actively think about what is being said.

Are You in Control?

Ask… Listen… Breath… Think! Sounds like a simple program, but is very difficult. Think of the most successful person you know and their ability to think. What does it reflect for you?

If you’re like most of the leaders I work with, they are looking for the competitive edge that will allow them, when the chips are down and the pressure is on, to have their best leadership moments. Moments where they will have to be 100% in control. If you think about the technique we just discussed, it reflects a high level of leadership control. After all, why would anyone listen to you if you weren’t in control of your own faculties?

If you’re acting out, defensive, showing your ego, etc. you are actually showing any/all that you are out of control. Out of control is a situation where your situation is dictating your outcomes. Instead, make an effort to never let your situation dictate your outcomes.

What Were You Thinking?

In executive coaching sessions my client and I will typically discuss a successful occurrence from the past week/month/etc. I’ll ask them to meditate, or reflect on exactly what made that situation successful.

In a similar vein, I’ll also ask them to meditate, or think, about a leadership moment that made them angry. Anger is a state that typically is associated with a cry for help, or an attempt to regain control. I’ll ask the leader to reflect on the angry moment and ask themselves the question: “What were you thinking?” The responses I get are often with much embarrassment. Leadership development training typically teaches leaders to think a certain way about Marketing or Finance, but these questions ask them to look at how they performed in non-technical areas (Something leadership development often leaves participants fare short on!)

I’ve had leaders cry in executive coaching sessions when reflecting on what made them angry. While some want to argue that in these moments of anger, that they actually have great vision, focus, and productivity. More times than not, that’s their ego talking. If they get past their ego, they’ll see that they’re ability to ask, listen, breath and think will provide them with much better control moving forward.

SUMMARY

So to start on our journey of maximum impact leadership, we fixed your cross hairs on being the best leader ever. Remember, if you ask they will tell you! The second step is to listen to what is being said. Active listening should be employed to set the right atmosphere, get more feedback through drill down questions, and reflecting that you really are listening. Here in Step 3 we looked at the act of thinking. Thinking sets the stage for great control moving forward (What everyone wants in leading, right?)

Sam Palazzolo

Maximum Impact Leadership: Step 2 of 7

June 8, 2015 By Sam Palazzolo, Managing Director

The Point: I’ve seen a lot of leaders come, and I’m certain I’ll see a lot go in the future. But what is it about the “best” leaders that we can share with you? The “Best” Leaders one way or the other always have maximum impact on their organizations, their industries, and the world! The following seven (7) part series was developed from coaching conversations at Tip of the Spear and plays an integral part in our Business Advisory Services (Leadership Development, Executive Coaching, and Communication Skills Training for Leaders Series). In Step 1 of 7 for Maximum Impact Leadership we looked at your ability to ask questions. Here in Step 2 of 7, we’ll take a look at your ability to secure feedback from those questions by listening. I hope that you’re able to implement these seven (7) “best” practices for maximum impact leadership… Enjoy!

Refresh of Maximum Impact Leadership Step 1: Ask

Recall that in Step 1 of 7 of developing your maximum impact leadership, you are posed with the problem/opportunity of becoming the “best” leader possible. You were provided with a few questions to ask regarding how your stakeholders (superiors, subordinates, and peers) perceived you to be. Perhaps I didn’t mention it then, but I will now that asking for stakeholder feedback can be quite difficult for some leaders.

The difficulties associated with asking for feedback run the gambit, but let’s focus on just two. First, you are opening yourself up to their perceptions. Perceptions that could be accurate. Perceptions that could be inaccurate. The accurate/inaccurate dilemma comes from your perception of your own leadership style and the story being relayed to you by your stakeholder. The second difficult moment stems from your ability to separate feedback from your own ego/emotions/pride. No doubt that if the feedback is positive, it will resonate with you. Also, and perhaps to your detriment as a leader, if the feedback is negative it won’t necessary be seen in the same leadership development light. Regardless… You asked for it and they are telling you.

Successful Listening Habits?

So you ask for your stakeholders input, and they are telling you. What’s the last thing that you should do first? Odds are, you’re going to want to jump into the conversation and give your opinion/perspective. Rather than just listen to the response, you’ll attempt to justify why you behaved the way you did (Think of it as a way of “framing” your conversation).

It’s in these “framing” moments that you come off as anything but a leader. Your responses tend to hint at defensiveness (a posture that’s never good for a leader!) Having conducted over 100+ communication skills training for leaders programs, I can’t count the number of times defensiveness came off as a positive experience for all considered parties (Read that as there simply are too many!) How many times have you had a conversation with someone that went something like “You know we’re going to promote you because when you speak to your stakeholders, your defensiveness really opens the doors to future possibilities!” or “That excuse you gave really helped us shift our paradigm. Where we once were uneducated/uncertain, we now know exactly where you’re coming from!”

Ask… Stop… Breath… Listen!

Now when I coach leaders in receiving feedback, any of the above listening habits can, and typically do occur. However the key to effective listening is to do just that, listen.

The act of listening doesn’t mean hear a little bit, or stop listening while someone else is speaking with you to formulate your response once they take a breath. The goal is to be fully present, in the moment with awareness, and take the feedback in.

I often recommend to the leaders that I work with that they ask the question, stop, take a breath, and listen to the stakeholders feedback.

Best Leadership Listening Habits

If the feedback received is too topical or 30,000 foot elevation high, asking a follow up question to “drill down” to treetop level (or even better yet dirt) can provide you with more actionable feedback.

Another active listening habit that I share is to smile. It takes less effort/energy/muscle coordination for you to share a smile as opposed to a frown. The last thing you want to share is an upside-down smile with a stakeholder that you just asked to provide you feedback to. Smiling also sets a positive-tone to the atmosphere.

Maintaining eye contact is a great way to show that you’re listening. However, remember to break up your eye contact with periodic blinking or directing your attention elsewhere in the room. This will prevent the tense/creepy situation of staring that can/will derail the maximum impact leadership habit.

Periodically I get a question from a communication skills training for leaders participant regarding if it’s appropriate to take notes during such conversations. The answer is somewhat obvious, but requires the proper setup. If you truly want to recall later what is being shared, show that what the stakeholder is saying is of value, then leaders should take notes. However, first and foremost you should setup the note-taking activity by saying something like “What you’re saying is very important to me. I’m going to take a few notes while we speak, ok?”

The last active listening habit I’ll share is to nod your head periodically while feedback is being provided. Nodding shows that you are actively listening to the stakeholder. I’m certain that you’ve had the unfortunate situation of having someone listen to you with a blank stare on their face. No doubt it made you wonder if they even heard you, and more importantly if they truly value your input (They probably are looking to check some “boxes” in their leadership development program, right? Nice job Chief Human Resources Officer!)

SUMMARY

Sam Palazzolo

Maximum Impact Leadership: Step 1 of 7

June 6, 2015 By Sam Palazzolo, Managing Director

The Point: I’ve seen a lot of leaders come, and I’m certain I’ll see a lot go in the future. But I was asked the other day during an executive coaching conversation “What is it about the “best” leaders that you can share?” After a few moments, I answered that the “Best” Leaders one way or the other always have maximum impact on their organizations, their industries, and the world! So the following seven (7) part series was developed from such coaching conversations at Tip of the Spear and plays an integral part in our Business Advisory Services (Leadership Development, Executive Coaching, and Communication Skills Training for Leaders Series). In Step 1 of 7 for Maximum Impact Leadership, we’ll take a look at your ability to ask questions. I hope that you’re able to implement these seven (7) “best” leadership behaviors/actions and make them your own on your journey towards maximum impact leadership… Enjoy!

Who Are You? Who Do You Want to Be?

Your Chief Human Resources Officer (CHRO) recommends to all of the organizational leaders that they participate in a 360* Behavioral Assessment. This assessment, unlike an individual behavioral assessment (such as MBTI, Hogan, DiSC, etc.), allows input from not only yourself, but your stakeholders as well (Those superiors, peers, and subordinates). “No problem” you think as you take the assessment… And then the results come in!

While you thought that you were “firing on all leadership cylinders,” somehow your stakeholders are of a differing impression. It’s not that the data is terrible (You’re not going to get fired!), but it’s less than the stellar leader that you (1) thought you were and (2) know you are. So now what?

Why Not Be the Best?

In targeting goals, I always like to ask leaders I work with “What are your goals?” Typically there’s a bit of “bet hedging” going on. (Leaders typically upon initial glance don’t want to share all of their goals, or at least put them out there easily within reach). But what does setting easily accomplishable goals do for you?

Leaders that don’t strive to be the best leave themselves, their stakeholders, and their organizations short. If you desire to be a better leader, why not target being the best? If you want to be ordinary, then target something (anything) short of best.

But What Is the Best?

So if you want to be the best, why not start by asking your stakeholders the following questions:

What can I do to be the “best” leader ever?
How can I be the “best” leader?
How can I be a better leader?

The problem of course with asking these questions is that you will get answers. Answers that you don’t want to hear, but answers that you need to hear if you are going to fine tune your leadership development. Here’s the bottom line: You ask… They tell!

Imagine the feedback you’ll get by asking these questions. Important to note that while the feedback might sting initially, the raw data you collect will allow you in the next step (2 of 7) to filter appropriately for maximum impact leadership.

SUMMARY

So to start on our journey of maximum impact leadership, fix your cross hairs on being the best leader ever and ask questions for feedback/perspective from your stakeholders regarding those “best” moments they’ve experience (or desire). Remember, if you ask they will tell!

Sam Palazzolo

The Leadership Challenge: Passive Aggressive Stakeholders

June 5, 2015 By Sam Palazzolo, Managing Director

The Point: As a leader, you’re faced with all kinds of challenges… How to increase revenue, keep expenses in check, etc. Global domination is within reach, until… Until your stakeholders that you perceived as previously “with” you turn out to actually be “against” you! In this post, we take a look at passive aggressive stakeholder, why they are the way they are, and what you can do about it to overcome the leadership challenge… Enjoy!

Where Does Passive Aggressive Behavior Come From?

Robin was a team leader in a Fortune 100 organization looking to improve her team’s output (i.e., Sales). While they were the top selling team in the organization, Robin was convinced that in order to stay at their perch, some fine-tuning was in order. Rather than dictate new policies/procedures, she collaborated with her team in presenting problems/opportunities and having them as a whole come up with solutions (That’s a good method, right?)

If you’ve ever been in Robin’s seat you know firsthand that this is no easy task. In executive coaching conversation after executive coaching conversation, I’ve heard a variation of this scenario play out in a variety of industries/organizations over the years. And unfortunately, a side effect of these “we have to do more” moments is when one, or a group, of the stakeholders dissents in a passive aggressive manner.

I’m NOT Passive Aggressive, I’m Politically Savvy!

Passive Aggressive Behavior can be exhibited in any of the following situations:

Stakeholders appear on the surface-layer to be supportive, however behind the scenes backstab, bitch, and look to burry.
Stakeholders use the “T” word (Trust) as in “You can trust me!” However, putting trust in them is nothing more than a career death wish.
Stakeholders use the “L” word (Love) like it was water coming out of the faucet, as in “I simply love the direction we’re going in!” If this is love, I’d hate to see them hate!
Stakeholders have no loyalty to you or fellow stakeholders, as they’ll easily “back up the bus” and run over anyone/anytime (As in “I am fully supportive of our new processes, but you know Susan…”)
Stakeholders use a deadly cocktail of sarcasm and humor to disguise their disgust (Read that as it’s awfully hard to get an accurate “read” on them).
Stakeholders withhold specific information to leverage their bargaining power and/or make them appear smarter than other stakeholders.

At the heart of this passive aggressive behavior is commitment (As in lack thereof). When commitments are questioned, typically these stakeholders either shrug it off as a misread on your part, deny that they would ever conduct themselves in this manner, and on the rare occasion boast that they have acted so. One such stakeholder who admitted their passive aggressive behavior proudly proclaimed “You’re wrong. I’m right. What is there to talk about?” Apparently the leadership development program they went to covered such honest moments under the Politically Savvy Transparency section of the program!

So What Can You Do About Passive Aggressive Stakeholders?

It’s important for a leader to “inspect what they expect” when it comes to performance, and even more so with stakeholder behavior. Instead of getting into an emotional turmoil state (no matter how warranted it might be), look to gage stakeholder behavior.

If stakeholder behavior is not in alignment with expectations, then the leadership challenge at hand can be dealt with straightforward according to goals established, SMART criteria developed, and/or company policies and procedures. As a last result, however a result that should be concluded quickly, a stakeholder may be released from the organization. Collaboration, harmony, and unity should describe your stakeholders, NOT passive aggressive behavior!

SUMMARY

In this post we’ve taken a look at the leadership challenge of how to effectively deal with passive aggressive stakeholders. While passive aggressive behavior can take many shapes and forms, this doesn’t mean that as a leader you should accept it. Establishing expectations, with associated consequences should align the organization and remove this petty (NOT politically savvy) behavior.

Sam Palazzolo

executive coaching

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